Resumes ≠ Men

As I read the Washington Post article, on Helena Andrews, I immediately started to get tight. I had to muster the fragments of discipline I possess and force myself to give the article and the author they were speaking about a chance. Yet, everything in me screamed…absolute fail. It is ironic, to some degree, that black men don’t have these vociferous conversations in plain sight and especially with the mass media. In that I find a paradigm that I think is part of the reason so many of us are finding ourselves single. How do I know? Well I know, I’ve probably been that chick, that’s a lie I know I was. So, why does it bother me so much that she is? Well one, I had to grow out of that. Two, I had to stop myself, look at myself and evaluate myself---not men. This is the problem with the general relationship trade. In order for all of these bloggers, TV hosts (OPRAH/TYRA), journalists, movie houses, lawyers, etc. to continue to make money and exploit these stories they must keep the story superficial and allow the subject to continuously emote no matter how ridiculous their plight or how glaring their role in the situation. It is fine to be young and dumb, when you’re young and supposed to be dumb. It’s not so cute when you’re 30 and definitely not when you’re over 45!!! (Sidebar: There is a plethora of them both single and newly single or on their way to being single). Nonetheless, as we all dawn on the arrival of our thirties…planning your birthday bash or soiree should be, in my opinion, low down on your list of to-dos. First, should be taking stock of who I am and what I have become and what I would like to be. I mean if planning a party, vacation, whatever that celebrates the departure of one decade into the arrival of a quintessentially different and more exciting era of life doesn’t spark some introspection and reflection…there really is no need to celebrate. The celebration marks a grand change, if that grand change isn’t holistic to some degree, it really isn’t that grand. Sorry. Read More>>>



So, back to Ms. Andrews…first problem I saw beyond her age is the characterization of the Sex and the City [SATC] correlation. That has always been funny to me. SATC is a very specific story for a specific woman. In an attempt to co-opt a story that is not theirs many black women fall into this same pitfall. It’s like in order to be truly equal we must do all the same things, no matter how ridiculous. I’m not sure when it became outrageous to be equal and yet still different; but so many of our problems start there. We can be as equal as anyone within the larger culture, but our strength of self-appreciation and basic identity is in recognizing and relishing in our differences. Being different is NOT always bad no matter what the larger culture may say. I mean ask any West Indian who comes to America and then tells everybody 30 years later about back home and then demands that institutions they work, live, play in cater to them (I digress, back to being serious). Or ask an African immigrant who still eats the food of their culture and speaks in their natural dialect and language amongst themselves and their peers. You can be equal while still preserving your culture. So, how is SATC bad? SATC itself is not bad---depending on your moral beliefs. Yet, it is not our culture, many black women in corporate America have tried to take it on as their culture (and have the same miserable results) and it’s even MORE laughable when the mindless brainless scaliwags do. What many don’t understand is that in the feminist agenda to become equal to men they inadvertently demeaned themselves and relegated much of their power back to those same men they sought to be one with. Newsflash: Equality is a must…difference is a gift!

Yet, I went on to the second part of the sentence and Ms. Andrews [Helena] is described as desperately searching for love. So, I say to myself, “Self, am I overanalyzing?” Myself says, “No.” It’s the truth. Many women desperately search for love…DESPERATELY! In that desperate quest, most men seem to agree, they face disastrous results. Desperation takes time away from observation; it deprives preparation, and inhibits the ability to see through another’s presentation. When women stop being thirsty…we’ll stop settling for the first drink or mirage we see in the desert. Thirst comes from not taking care of yourself and what you need to do. Resumes are only part of the equation. That irksome conversation I hear from so many women as they go on and on about their accomplishments stems from women’s own difficulty in gaining those accomplishments. It is conversational, what I have and what I’ve done because it is supposed to be deemed as special. It is in the boardroom, in an interview, in the correct setting. You’re mate or take home after the club buddy who won’t ever call again---‘til the next late night after the club…DOES NOT CARE THAT YOU WENT TO SCHOOL…other than to say this chick thought she had all that…and (fill in what you did). If women were truly equal our professional accomplishments would maintain their perspective and proper role in conversation. They would never be our mere source for esteem or yardstick to demean a man. Am I saying if you were blessed with a brain and went to [fill in your Top 8 school], acquired a job that pays you well, you’ve been able to become financially independent and have a body that’s banging you shouldn’t feel pride? No. What I am saying is that makes you special to you…no one else. There is always someone who has more…and in the blink of an eye you could watch it all go away…think I’m kidding let’s try and experiment…ready, I’ll wait…didn’t think so. Being proud of oneself is healthy self-esteem pushing that pride onto someone else is arrogance. In the game that men play and women will never quite understand and therefore, NEVER win; arrogance gets one of two things: He walks away because he doesn’t want to deal---or---you have become his challenge and you end up slayed.

Then there is the other problem. I am quietly tired and disgusted EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear a woman who claims to have these accomplishments tell me about the dearth of available men. As she recites to me her resume and obituary for the umpteenth time and uses it as an excuse and justification not to date the guy from FedEx, or the transit worker, or even the teacher…I secretly laugh to myself. It seems so obvious that the reason that relationships are elusive has nothing to do with that man’s job and everything to do with that woman’s insecurities. It is the defect of feminism (I want to make clear that I support woman’s empowerment and ability to be equal, while detesting most of the feminist agenda). Feminists want equality of convenience and flagrant recognition. They want equality of things not so much of purpose. The fact that I female have these things doesn’t demean or make less worthy the man who does not. There is no reason that a janitor cannot be married to a banker. THERE IS NONE. The only reason they couldn’t be is if those parties CHOSE not to make it work. Yes, we should all be equally yoked; yet, people take that out of context and use it when they don’t want to compromise or make adjustments. I’m not saying date the janitor for the sake of dating janitors and/or to prove a point. I’m also not saying that women should give up their God given authority to be selective. However, if the janitor is a good man, can hold a conversation, looks good, will take care of you (and care isn’t always financial BUT for the sake of conversation…let’s add up the cost of his cleaning and maintaining a house against paying someone to come do it…I’ll wait…bingo)…then his lack of position and finances shouldn’t be that big of a problem. And the two shall become one…

But, I hadn’t even given the poor girl a chance. She may actually have a story to tell a position worth seeing. When I opened to that possibility that’s what’s when I got it. I understood what made me cringe. The reality was that she was me. She was my friends, my relatives, the other single black professional women from work, the girl I saw walking through the mall, or at Whole Foods. She was young and old, well to do and not so well off. She was brilliant, she was average, she was big, she was small, she was short, she was tall, and she is every woman. The girl you see in passing at the bar or the club that you don’t smile at or really acknowledge. She’s competition. Yet, the truth is there is no competition. Everyone has bought into this huge fairytale myth that is a game to see who makes it to the finish line first. We view men as a trump card and a prize, just another box to be checked off at the bottom of our pretty little lists of power moves and to-dos. We feel lonely because we feel defeated. We are used to getting what we want when we want it how we planned to get it. We forget that men are human to and they have nuance and their own agendas and they don’t function based on ours. We lose ourselves in the game of life, because we ceased to cultivate ourselves in an effort to make ourselves externally attractive to the game of life. We just keep going to get that last box checked. That isn’t what love is about and it doesn’t really work. We envy the girls who get married with little regard for the true quality of their marriage. Many of these marriages that look great from the outside are horrible War of the Roses on the inside. “But that chick got what she wanted the man, the kids, the leased car…” It’s all a façade to convince you that she won the game

It’s simple really. Love is not something to be found or conquered. It is organic…it comes when you and another are ready. It is usually not a fairy tale or a show on TV. There is no “perfect one” that will arrive or that you will find in the scavenger bin and turn into a perfect ornament. That perfect one is the one you choose to love and that loves you. In reality, anyone can be that perfect one, the perfect love. But, “the King will appear, ONLY when the QUEEN is ready.”